You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story…of Jesse.
Our story begins with Nostradamus predicting Jesse’s birth in a quatrain that has also been interpreted as predicting the career of Vanilla Ice. This is doubly prophetic in that Jesse holds the world record for most Vanilla Ice concerts attended: 2…. Coincidentally, Vanilla Ice holds the world record for most Jesse concerts attended: 10.
As foretold, the birth occurred on July 7th 1547. What the quatrain fails to mention is that he was immediately tossed into the North Sea. No reason for this can be found. Subsequently, the infant was frozen in a chunk of ice, as happens all too often when a human body comes into contact with cold Nordic waters.
Time marched on, and time still marched on. Improbably, baby Jesse was discovered by the Avengers, becoming only the third person to be discovered in ice and revived by a team of superheroes. Having no place for a super-infant, the Avengers sent him to a “School for Gifted Youngsters.”
It was at this point that I encountered the young mutant. We were asked to leave the school shortly before a certain encounter with a certain “Master of Magnetism” at a certain Air Force Base. The details are certainly ugly and sealed by certain court orders. Suffice it to say this “school” had no use for the mutant powers of being excessively tall (Jesse) or ridiculously hirsute (me).
After many (potentially copyright infringing) adventures, Jesse and I parted ways. He wanted to fulfill his dream of playing jazz tuba for Jethro Tull; I was needed for Golden Girls. Our paths crossed again when we met up in a bar down in old Soho after I was booted off the show and Jethro Tull stopped being about the jazz instruments. The rest, as they say, is fish-story.
Jesse says that I am the funny one; the truth is somewhat stranger. Best I can figure, using instruments I modified from stolen e-Meters, we actually feed off of each other. A feedback loop is created and insanity ensues. In the same way Conan can be funny without Andy, but not vice-versa, such is our friendship. My life would be a string of failed tv pilots without Jesse.
I end this story/ homage with a final little known fact to illustrate the true awesomeness of this human being: Jesse is one of two people still subsidizing the career of Rob Liefeld. Congratulations, my friend of friends, on your week of non-stop posting and the improbable outcome!