The All-New, All-Different New Guardians

In Blackest Night, Geoff Johns pulled a giant deus ex machina out of his hat when he revealed that each “New Guardian’s” ring can create one additional ring. I’m sure Johns picked DCU characters he thought would be cool and fit the story, but what if he wasn’t limited to the DCU?  What if any cartoon or comic book character was available to him?  I imagine if that was the case we’d see a much, much different alliance.  One that would look something like this.

Red Lantern Corps (Rage)

Hulk – The Hulk is all about rage: the madder he gets, the stronger he gets.  There’s even a red one out there running around these days, busting things up and acting like a jerk.  Just picture him constantly vomiting up blood and you’re already there.

Runner Up: Yosemite Sam

Agent Orange (Avarice)

Ash Ketchum – Ash is the greedy little kid determined to capture one of every animal (excuse me, pokemon) in the world, to the detrimtent of every relationship he’s ever been in.  That describes avarice much better than a mad scientist who wants to rule the world because Superman made him lose his hair when he was a boy.

Runner Up: Bender

Sinestro Corps (Fear)

Gargamel – The Scarecrow is a terrific if obvious choice for the yellow ring.  Much like Parallax is the only thing to scare Green Lanterns, there’s only one thing Smurfs fear, and that’s Gargamel.  He takes delight in capturing them, either to eat them or turn them into gold.  That’s fairly scary if you’re Belgian.

Runner Up: Starscream

Green Lantern Corps (Will)

Hank Hill – Have you ever met one of those people who seem like they can do anything by sheer force of will?  Hank Hill is that guy.  Slap a ring on him and as long as you assure him it’s a military weapon and not hippie jewelry or an improv prop he’ll get the job done.

Runner Up: Panthro

Blue Lantern Corps (Hope)

Superman – Of all the characters Johns had to play with, I can’t believe he didn’t go for the obvious choice to represent Hope: Superman.  If Barack Obama had a cape, superpowers, had saved the world hundreds of times )and the universe dozens), then MAYBE he could sit in on a lecture Superman gave on how to give people hope. Superman could be caught with a live boy AND a dead girl and people wouldn’t lose hope. He’s like Michael Jackson and R. Kelly wrapped up in a cape and with heat vision, that’s how much people believe in him.

Runner Up: Charlie Brown

Indigo Tribe (Compassion)

Optimus Prime – Optimus Prime’s only weakness is his compassion for all living creatures.  Being part of the Indigo Tribe would allow him to turn that into his greatest strength.  Of course, a giant metal robot covered with tribal tattoos and holding a tiny stick wouldn’t be very imposing, but it would be compassionate.

Runner Up: She-Ra

Star Sapphires (Love)

Tenderheart Bear – Wikipedia says “Tenderheart Bear helps everyone show and express their feelings and helps his fellow Care Bears be the most caring they can be. In the 1980s movies and cartoons he was the leader of the Care Bears. He is orange (originally brown) and his tummy symbol is a big red heart with a pink outline.”  That sounds about right.  What do I know about Care Bears?

Runner Up: Hello Kitty

Those are my thoughts.  Did I get someone right?  Or very, very wrong?  Hit us up in the comments sections.

8 comments on “The All-New, All-Different New Guardians

  1. Jesse says:

    This was completely written by the time I started searching for images, but I discovered I apparently wasn’t the only one with this idea.

    Here are some others worth checking out:

  2. Saint Walker says:

    Appropriately enough, I just read BN#6 today. Also, start the joe brewing, ’cause this might be a long post.

    First of all, I’m not sure I’d call the ring replication thing a huge deus ex machina. Since the other rings and lanterns were obviously based on the Oan ones, I had always assumed the rings would be able to replicate themselves. Now, Ganthet’s actions, reasoning, and the whole 24-hour time limit — yeah, there you can call it a deus ex.

    It was a little surprising to see the big G give himself a ring, too. I suppose, being booted from Oa, maybe he didn’t have the same connection to the green glow without it? Or maybe Geoff just wanted to see one of the little blue guys get off their asses and do something for a change. XP

    Alright, now for your choices.

    RAGE: Yes, Hulk seems the natural choice. I’d almost be worried about a positive feedback loop between the two rage/power sources. “Hey, the Hulk got a ring. Wow, that’s bright. Oop, half the universe just exploded.” The runner up is nice, too.

    AVARICE: Despite the marketing catchphrase, Ash was never really motivated by a desire to “catch them all.” If anyone from the Pokemon universe were getting an orange ring, I think it would be Gary. Bender’s a good choice, though.
    Also, I don’t agree with your assessment of Luthor. What does Lex want? Power, power, and more power. Oh, and lots of nice things to show off his superiority while he’s abusing his power on people. Plus, why does he hate Superman? 1) He’s jealous of the things Supes can do that he can’t (sporting a snazzy spit-curl possibly among them). 2) He’s afraid that Superman will take away his power over people (which he does). I say this was a perfect choice by Johns.

    FEAR: Is Gargamel scary? To little blue people, maybe. Does he enjoy spreading fear? Eh, maybe a little. What defines him as a character? His constant, unrelenting, obsessive desire to catch the Smurfs as the ultimate delicacy or as a means to become incredibly wealthy. What do we call that? Fea… oh wait, that’s GREED! I think you missed the color on this one. Now, Azrael, perhaps.
    Not having paid much attention to Transformers since 1980-something, I can’t really comment on Starscream.
    If I had to pick one other than the Scarecrow, I’d go with Light Yagami from Death Note, followed by Old Man Jenkins (A.K.A. Scooby Doo VOTW).

    WILL: I never in a million years would have thought of this, but yeah, he actually seems like a pretty good choice. And you can bet his constructs would be perfectly level and solidly crafted with great attention to detail.
    And Panthro? Hell, yeah!

    HOPE: THANK YOU! I’ve been thinking from day one he was the perfect choice. Not only is he probably the ultimate beacon of hope (both from within himself and drawing it out in the people of Metropolis, Earth, and the entire universe), but to top it all off, he’s already got a blue costume with a symbol of hope on it! I knew for multiple reasons they were never gonna give it to the big guy, but man, would that have been perfect!
    Good grief. Heh heh.
    Oh, yeah, and I suppose Barry made kind of made sense, at least the way they’ve been writing him in all of this. That one did seem the most forced, though.

    COMPASSION: Again, 1980-something. Still, from what I can remember, it seems to make sense.
    She-Ra? Most definitely. Only problem is, I’m not sure how they could incorporate rotoscoped running into a comic book.

    LOVE: What do you know about Care Bears? Not much, apparently. While they would certainly be fans of love (Grumpy Bear excluded), and one or two might be defined by it, the group as a whole, and certainly Tenderheart, were far more defined by compassion than hope or love.
    Hello Kitty: no comment. As long as we’re going to Japan, though, how about Sailor Moon? Well, actually, I suppose that should be Sailor Venus.

    • Jesse says:

      Thanks for your thoughts, both the ones that agree with me and the ones that don’t. Looking back, I can recall instances where both Hal and Kyle have made duplicate rings, so there is some precedent after all. Still, to have every Corps’ ring be able to do it (and it read to me like only their rings were capable of it) seemed a little too convenient. Plus, what power does an exiled Guardian have over all of these Corps?

      As to your specific thoughts. The Hulk with a red ring WOULD be a disaster, I totally agree.

      I also agree that Luthor’s motivations are for power and whatever it takes to get the most of it, but Larfleeze seems to be motivated to collect all of everything, regardless of value. Maybe Ash wasn’t the best choice for that Corps, but he really does try to imprison a lot of animals.

      The fear issue was a little trickier, but (and here’s where I go behind the scenes a bit) I didn’t want to dip into each universe more than once (backups excepted). I figured that on the Smurfs’ Earth Gargamel would be the scariest thing there, so I ran with it. (I’d also like to point out that Azrael’s wearing a ring, too.)

      Would rotoscoping in a comic be like a lenticular cover? I confess to dropping the ball on Love. I didn’t want to dip back in the Smurf well (ewwwwww…) with Smurfette, so I picked the Care Bear with a heart on his stomach, which I imagine is like a gang tattoo.

  3. Saint Walker says:

    It dawns on me that I might have misinterpreted your d.e.m. statement, in which case, disregard my second paragraph. Also please disregard the extraneous “made” under HOPE, and any inferred sense of self-righteous arrogance or condescension. Those sometimes have a tendency to come out in my writing style for no apparent reason. 😛

    • Jesse says:

      Never a problem. I appreciate your obviously well-considered arguments. The original post took a lot out of me, so I’m a little slow to reply, but I will.

  4. Matt says:

    How did we miss the most awesome of Orange Lanterns?

    The Leprechaun? Warwick Davis running around in an orange suit and top hat is the only way to fly baby.

    • Jesse says:

      That’s a good point, but I don’t know if a good Catholic leprechaun is going to accept ANYTHING orange.

      • Matt says:

        Do we know he’s Roman Catholic? With its pagan, protestant, and Roman Catholic influences, it’s hard to say. Maybe the ring causes a conversion not unlike Lex.

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