Joker gets Nicholson. Who do I get? A freaky looking Danny Devito. I didn't get laid for three years after that movie.


Most nights my dreams are haunted by fantastic umbrellas. Brick laying umbrellas, desalinating umbrellas, umbrellas that teach poodles to speak Portugeuse. I mean really revolutionary stuff.


Batman and I have an understanding. He doesn't hit me in the nose or the top hat, and I don't tell anyone where the seven other Robins are buried.


I wrote songs for the Monkees under the name "Neil Diamond." Daydream Believer? That was all me.


It's a little known fact that the penguin is the only other animal to practice prostitution. They exchange shells and bits of fish bone for sex.



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