This week’s LIST is a bit more somber than usual, as we are proud to present Superhero Obituaries. Please bow your head for a moment of non-denominational silence.
Billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne was found dead early this morning, naked, in former comedy club “The Chuckle Hut.” His face was frozen in a distorted grin and he appears to have been beaten to death with a rubber chicken. Friends and family observe that this is the first time they’ve ever seen him at 7:00 AM.
Professor Charles Xavier, headmaster of the Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters, passed away for the third time earlier this week. No autopsy will be performed because his body was not recovered, but his
attorney assures concerned parties that he’s definitely dead this time, honest. Charge of his institute will be left to former pupil and leader of the X-Men Scott Summers. Says Summers, “We will miss the Professor dearly, and I will do my best to keep the school running smoothly until he returns from space. Er, comes back from the dead again.”
Police scientist Barry Allen was struck by a Ford Pinto yesterday and killed immediately when it burst into flames on impact. Funeral services are scheduled for Tuesday at 10 AM, but will not start for another three hours.
Dear friend and beloved aunt, May Parker-Jameson, died yesterday at Cedar Sinai hospital from complications related to extreme old age. Parker had been bravely suffering from old age since the early 1960’s, frequently knocking at death’s door. She is preceded in death by her husband Ben. Mrs. Parker is survived by second husband J. Jameson, stepson J. Jonah Jameson and shiftless nephew, Peter. Pall bearers at the service will be: Ernest Borgnine, J. Jonah Jameson, Peter Parker, Adrian Toomes, Otto Octavius, and Willy Lumpkin.
Scientist and founding Avenger Hank Pym passed away overnight. After being burned with acid, drawn and quartered, and shot 17 times, he was found hanging in his bedroom. Pinned to his chest was a note saying “You’ll never catch me!” Fellow members of the superhero community are treating it as an apparent suicide.
Local lump and good-for-nothing, Herbie Popnecker, was found dead in his home yesterday. Police confirm reports that Mr. Popnecker’s death was an accidental suicide. In recent years, Mr. Popnecker had been experimenting to find more magic lollipops; it seems that had finally discovered the (then) theoretical gray “death pop.” Herbie is survived by his father whose only comment was, “Dead huh? I knew that lump would never amount to anything.” Confusing words considering the illustrious career of the late Mr. Popnecker. In the sixties, Herbie could be seen rubbing elbows with the likes of Presidents Lyndon Johnson and John F. Kennedy as well as Marylin Monroe, Liz Taylor, and Dracula. In accordance with his wishes, Mr. Popnecker will be cremated with ashes to be spread at an undisclosed location.
Jeff “Shaft” Terrel of government-sponsored superhero team Youngblood was found dead in a fog bank earlier today after his hands mysteriously turned into giant mounds of flesh and his ankles snapped
under his own weight. His famous magnetic bow was found nearby, wrapped completely in bowstring. His death is being declared an act of God.
Surprising no one, founding X-Man Jean Grey passed away yesterday at her home in Westchester County, NY. Spokesman for the X-Men, Ororo Munroe reports that Grey’s last words were, “Guess it’s that time of year again.” Munroe admits that at this point Ms. Grey has spent more time dead than alive, but Munroe is confident that Grey will make a full recovery by early winter. Ms. Grey is survived by her estranged husband, Scott Summers, alternate future daughter Rachel Summers, half-step sons Nathan “Cable” Summers and Stryfe, and alternate dimensional son Nate Grey. No services are scheduled.
Aquaman Arthur Curry was declared dead today after a mandate that no one knew what to do with his character. This marks the most recent of several decisions to kill him off rather than find a valid, interest
take on his adventures. Sources close to the deceased report his last words were “Screw you guys, I’m going to do television.”
Funeral services for James, “Jimmy,” Olsen will be held on Saturday. Mr. Olsen, 81, was found in his Opal City residence surrounded by the twelve cats that he had spent the majority of his life photographing. Jimmy’s career was an interesting study in failure. In his late teens and early twenties, Olsen was a renowned photographer for the Daily Planet. Olsen won several journalistic awards for his coverage of Superman. He left the Daily Planet and Metropolis, but remained close to The Man of Steel. In his late twenties Olsen began a series of innovative experiments in the field of photography. Winning recognition from the art community, his work is on display at major museums across the country. At thirty, Olsen turned his back on the art world and started photographing cats. He translated his name recognition into an annual cat fancier calendar. Olsen’s cats became an obsession. For the next fifty two years he published only pictures (portraits and experimental) of cats. Due to his decreasing success and increasing strangeness, Olsen’s name became a pop culture punchline. He is survived by his estranged wife, Lucy Lane-Olsen and his son Orson Welles Olsen.