Inspired by a the Comedy Death-Ray Radio podcast, I decided to try bringing to the blog a game called “Would You Rather?”. The problem? You can’t do it with two people. Against his better instincts Stephen — Matt’s brother and mine — has agreed to pitch in and help us out (and thank you very much for that). He’s in the gray text. Do you have a question you’d like our staff of experts to discuss? Feel free to pitch a “Would You Rather?” question in the comments section or on our Facebook page.
This week’s question:
Would you rather be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound powered by your own flatulence, or be the fastest man alive powered by killing kittens?
The floor is open.
What percentage of the kittens are deserving of being killed?
Great question. Only 35% deserve what they get. And 95% are cute, so there’s a fair amount of overlap there.
Are we talking ordinary flatulence or cinnamon sprinkle flatulence?
Excellent question, and a very good strategy, letting Stephen focus on Flash-related questions. This is ordinary flatulence, but it is exceptionally loud and immediately traceable to you. Pointing at the guy next to you won’t work.
Am I only faster than the other men powered by killing kittens, or am I faster than non-kitten killers as well?
Sub-question: How much faster than them am I?
Very, very good questions. I should clarify the premise, that was my fault. You would be the fastest man alive (as in, the only super-speedster) but your powers come from the senseless murder of innocent kittens, not the fastest of all the men who gain super-speed by killing kittens.
How often do I have to murder kittens and how many must die? Basically, what’s the duration of the charge on my speed once quantity x kittens have been obliterated?
A single kitten will immediately charge you to full capacity, but the charge wears off after 20 seconds after the last kitten has been killed. This means for most tasks one kitten will do, but for long-term speedstering you’ll need to carry around a sack of kittens, and you’ll most likely be leaving a trail of their corpses in your
Will I have the luxury of being able to pass wind without having to leap over a building, and can I still kill kittens in the flatulence reality (as a hobby)?
Great questions, I see you’re trying to catch up on the Super-side of things. Yes, passing wind will always leap you over a building (or send you 1/8th of a mile depending on where you’re facing). You can still kill kittens recreationally insofar as you can get away from kitten-loving mobs.
By, “leap tall buildings in a single bound,” are with sticking with the traditional GA Superman leap of 1/8th of a mile?
Great question, Matt. You will be always be able to leap 1/8th of a mile in any direction, but there is no building you will not be able to leap over. If there’s a building, regardless of it’s height, you’ll be able to jump over it.
Okay, gentlemen, this has been an excellent first round. Answer time!
Would you rather be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound powered by your own flatulence, or be the fastest man alive powered by killing kittens? And why.
I’m going to go with flatulence and leaping on this one. The benefits of 20 seconds of speed do not out weigh the logistics or ethics of killing a kitten on the zeroth and 21st seconds. While an eighth of a mile is not a considerable distance these days, the leaping and passing gas appeals to me on a practical level.
See, I’m going to have to go with being the fastest man alive. For starters, people anally methate about 12 times a day on average; that seems like an awful lot of leaping will ye or nill ye. Plus, flatulence is not limited to waking hours and I’d hate to wake up 1/8 miles away or more and then have to return home to fix the hole I unconsciously created in my roof.
As far as being a speedster goes, it’s always been a dream of mine. Twenty seconds may not seem long to someone who perceives time the way we do, but to one going at super speed it should be enough to run around the Earth a couple times and find some more kittens to murder. To those of you who haven’t tried it, kitten killing is a hoot and often tax deductible.