With a roster that has boasted gods, time-lost champions, robots, mutants, and war heroes, The Avengers are a storied team having connections in every corner of the superhero community. On the other hand, it’s among the most unstable teams. Members come and go seemingly at their leisure. New members are constantly coming in to the mansion it is important to indoctrinate them into policy as soon as possible along with an orientation program, there is an online FAQ that new members can reference. Here are some of those questions and the corresponding answers.
Q: I’m a scientist; will I have access to laboratory facilities?
Provided you don’t mind sharing them with Hank Pym (and most people do) you are free to use all labs and scientific equipment. It should be noted that outside of poor interpersonal skills and a penchant for creating sentient death machines, Pym has personal grooming issues. You may wish to consider renting space at the Baxter Building instead.
Q: What smells like brine?
Prince Namor. Don’t forget to bow.
Q: My alter ego is confined to a wheelchair, but I see no appropriate ramps, entrances, stalls, nor elevators in the mansion. How soon will you be accommodating my needs?
Thank you for your service to the Avengers. We regret to inform you that due to budgetary constraints, we simply cannot maintain the current member roster. You are expected to vacate the premises within 14 days of receipt of this notice.
Q: Thor’s passed out in my bed! What do I do?
Don’t wake him! Occasionally our resident Norseman over-imbibes while celebrating a victory and must perform the 36-48 hour Thorsleep. Also, DO NOT swap beds with him, as he sometimes finds his way back to his room. Jarvis has guest beds available in just these circumstances, assuming Hawkeye does not have more than 8 overnight guests.
Q: An alternate future version of myself is staying in the mansion; should I take any precautions to avoid them?
This should have been covered in your introductory briefing. Refer to pages 347- 349 in your manual.
Q: Can I throw Cap’s shield some time?
The best answer is don’t get caught. Everyone has had a toss at it at least once. I recommend waiting until Mr. Barnes is in the shower.
Q: I found a wrapped fruit basket in my bathroom. Is this some sort of odd Avengers welcoming custom.
To begin, do not consume or even touch the basket. It’s classified as mystical hazardous material. While it is not an official ritual, most members have had the misfortune of finding such a fruit basket in or near their commode. It usually indicates that Thor has had to use your toilet in an emergency situation.
Q: What if I found this basket in the sink/ shower?
We will move your quarters immediately. You will have to report with your personal belongings to the Quantum Furnace in the sub-basement. All of those items will need to be destroyed.
Q: I accidentally sideswiped the space shuttle with a quinjet. What happens next?
First, be sure to exchange insurance information. Second, contact your Mutual of Asgard representative. Third, don’t tell Iron Man. Those things are expensive.
Q: What happens if I get sick or injured?
Ironically, very few of the “Doctors” on staff hold medical degrees. Because of our wildly irregular HMO, your best bet is to see your family practice doctor during regular business hours (specialists are not covered by our insurance) and pay the $75 deductible. Special consideration is given to herbal or holistic treatment, which has a $65 deductible. Under no circumstances should you visit an emergency room, as most work-related injuries caused by our line of work run afoul of OSHA and US Dept of Labor regulations and we’re already on their radar.
Q: Realistically, how many days will I be “working?” Should I have an actual job?
You are on call 24/7/365, but the average crisis takes about 13 hours from instigation to aftermath. There are exceptions that could have you gone as long as a week or two. It is encouraged that you find gainful employment outside of your work as an Avenger. Most of our members hold jobs elsewhere. We suggest you look into a position with a flexible work schedule, a job that has you out of the office frequently, or freelance work. Jobs such as: reporter, photographer, billionaire industrialist, supermodel, research scientist, private detective, or children’s book illustrator tend to work out well.
Q: What is the Avengers Courtesy Fund? Am I expected to pay into it?
The ACF is a fund paid into by those Avengers who wish to participate. Members pay $20 a year. It pays for birthday cakes/ celebratory doughnuts, plants at funerals of members or member families, get well cards, and the like. While it is strictly voluntary, all are strongly encouraged to participate. See the Hulk if you have questions or choose to opt out.
Q: Hank Pym slapped me, what’s my recourse?
Was Dr. Pym Ant-Man or Giant-Man at the time? If Ant-Man, grab him by the head and pull off his legs. Alternately, you may try to cook him with a magnifying glass. If Giant-Man, first count yourself lucky to be alive. Then see the mansion bulletin board for the next meeting of Women Against Slapping People (W.A.S.P.). There is a strict hierarchy to be followed. If Dr. Pym is standard size, just kick him in the boys. Twice.
Q: What’s with all the dog hair and raw meat in the bathroom?
Mr. Logan must be staying with us. Please notify the janitorial staff. If he is still in the room, DO NOT attempt to take food from him.