WHAT IF…?

Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset… And it rises again as per usual, but there is something auspicious about this particular sunrise. I am Uatu, known by some as The Watcher.

This rise marks the beginning of a new circuit around Earth’s local star, Sol, for Jesse. Of course I speak of the Jesse known throughout the multiverse as a friend to man and animals alike. The lover of women…so, so, so many women. The titan of disc golf is celebrating the anniversary of his birth today in a style befitting his granduer.

But what might the world look like if deprived of such a man, such a force of nature? To the timid, I advise turning back and going no further. To the curious and brave of heart, follow with me as we explore the question

WHAT IF JESSE HAD NOT BEEN BORN?

In a world without Jesse, co-blogger Matt would never have discovered the joy of collecting comics. As a result, his money goes to developing a method of talking to ants. He becomes the Hank Pym of his universe.

It’s a brand-new orange day in America.

Without Jesse’s influence, American president Ronald Reagan does not declare Dorritos to be a vegetable in the Farm Act of 1983. The chips cease production as corn subsidies are cut. An unhappy America must find another delivery system for bright orange cheese powder. It is thought that the water system might provide the best delivery system. It worked for fluoride, why not bright orange cheese powder? Enacting this plan leads to the orange-ification of America. Everyone looks like they come from the Jersey Shore.

Without Jesse’s guiding influence over the media, ABC’s Cavemen is allowed to stay on the air season after season. This is seen by historians as the beginning of the end for quality sit-coms.

If Jesse had not been born, the Zombie Stalin Clone War would not have a had a happy ending in 2021. Zombie Stalin clones would have taken over most of the planet. Without the brave example and heroic speeches of Jesse the world quickly descends into Zombie Communism.

The list of horrors which proceed unhindered by Jesse’s birth are gruesome and too numerous to recount in their entirety. Suffice it to say that the universe is grateful for Jesse’s existence.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSE!

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One comment on “WHAT IF…?

  1. Jesse says:

    Ha ha ha! Thank you so much!

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