Uncle Sam — Secrets!

No, I’m NOT really your uncle. It’s a metaphor.

Secrets!

You know what phrase I don’t really care for? “Ratzi.” Being a Nazi is a bad enough insult.

Secrets!

Don’t tell “Aunt Samantha,” but that Ma Hunkel sure can bake a pie, if you know what I mean.

Secrets!

Call me crazy, but I love old-school hip-hop. It speaks to the streets from whence I came.

Secrets!

This time tomorrow, everyone will have forgotten about me…until next year. Well, except J.P. Sousa. That guy keeps me in his heart like I don’t know what.

SECRETS!!!

Bat-Mite — Secrets!

This doesn't come naturally. I trained for 12 years in the Commedia dell'arte.

Secrets!

Batman wasn't my first heroic idol. At first it was Goom, Son of Goram.

Secrets!

Every hero has his own 5th-dimensional counterpart except for Captain Marvel. Nobody can bring themselves to be sillier than that guy.

Secrets!

For a while I lived in sin with Streaky the Super Cat.

Secrets!

Sometimes I think about hopping over to the Marvel U, but I think Deadpool has all of their bases covered right now.

Secrets!!!

The curious case of the Golden Age Aquaman

It’s odd the things that keep me up at night. Last night I was awake in bed pondering the poetry of death in Crisis on Infinite Earths. It was seen as necessary that the Earth-1 heroes having counterparts of the same identity become the only ones. To wit, Marv Wolfman went out of his way to make sure that Earth-2 doppelgangers got a heroic moment of sacrifice or death. Everyone got some death love except Earth-2 Aquaman.

Batman had been killed several years previous in the pages of Adventure Comics.

The other heroes that needed to die got moments in Crisis. Superman sacrifices his life to contain and defeat the Anti-Monitor. Wonder Woman is unmade and given a place in the Elyssian Fields along with her pre-deceased husband: Steve Trevor. Then Green Arrow dies attempting to combat the Anti-Monitor’s Shadow Demons. Even Robin and Huntress get proper deaths.

The Golden Age Aquaman simply ceased to exist. While he never appears in the maxi-series…or any previous JLA/JSA crossover for that matter… he should have existed. He does briefly appeared in a couple of issues of All Star Squadron; in fact, he does his disappearing act during the Crisis crossover issue albeit ex camera.

I understand the need to say good bye to E-2 Superman and Wonder Woman. They both had prominent Silver Age and Bronze Age appearances. I puzzles me greatly that someone felt the need to pull E-2 Green Arrow out of mothballs, but they completely neglect Aquaman. It seems like a very random move.

So for the record: money, job, or women problems don’t keep me up at night, but the final fate of aquatic Golden Age characters does.

Superhero Confidential — Substitute Edition

Which GREEN BOY was caught SELLING CARBON OFFSETS to grow GIANT MAN-EATING PLANTS???

Why did this CHILLY LAD get into a sauna with THE FROZEN X-MAN???

Which GRANITE LAD turned into a fountain in a ROME PIAZZA???

What NOCTURNAL LASS spends the SUMMER MONTHS in Alaska so she can get her BEAUTY REST???

Who is the FLAMING LAD who had it coming out BOTH ENDS on chili night???