Uncle Sam — Secrets!

No, I’m NOT really your uncle. It’s a metaphor.

Secrets!

You know what phrase I don’t really care for? “Ratzi.” Being a Nazi is a bad enough insult.

Secrets!

Don’t tell “Aunt Samantha,” but that Ma Hunkel sure can bake a pie, if you know what I mean.

Secrets!

Call me crazy, but I love old-school hip-hop. It speaks to the streets from whence I came.

Secrets!

This time tomorrow, everyone will have forgotten about me…until next year. Well, except J.P. Sousa. That guy keeps me in his heart like I don’t know what.

SECRETS!!!

Bat-Mite — Secrets!

This doesn't come naturally. I trained for 12 years in the Commedia dell'arte.

Secrets!

Batman wasn't my first heroic idol. At first it was Goom, Son of Goram.

Secrets!

Every hero has his own 5th-dimensional counterpart except for Captain Marvel. Nobody can bring themselves to be sillier than that guy.

Secrets!

For a while I lived in sin with Streaky the Super Cat.

Secrets!

Sometimes I think about hopping over to the Marvel U, but I think Deadpool has all of their bases covered right now.

Secrets!!!

The curious case of the Golden Age Aquaman

It’s odd the things that keep me up at night. Last night I was awake in bed pondering the poetry of death in Crisis on Infinite Earths. It was seen as necessary that the Earth-1 heroes having counterparts of the same identity become the only ones. To wit, Marv Wolfman went out of his way to make sure that Earth-2 doppelgangers got a heroic moment of sacrifice or death. Everyone got some death love except Earth-2 Aquaman.

Batman had been killed several years previous in the pages of Adventure Comics.

The other heroes that needed to die got moments in Crisis. Superman sacrifices his life to contain and defeat the Anti-Monitor. Wonder Woman is unmade and given a place in the Elyssian Fields along with her pre-deceased husband: Steve Trevor. Then Green Arrow dies attempting to combat the Anti-Monitor’s Shadow Demons. Even Robin and Huntress get proper deaths.

The Golden Age Aquaman simply ceased to exist. While he never appears in the maxi-series…or any previous JLA/JSA crossover for that matter… he should have existed. He does briefly appeared in a couple of issues of All Star Squadron; in fact, he does his disappearing act during the Crisis crossover issue albeit ex camera.

I understand the need to say good bye to E-2 Superman and Wonder Woman. They both had prominent Silver Age and Bronze Age appearances. I puzzles me greatly that someone felt the need to pull E-2 Green Arrow out of mothballs, but they completely neglect Aquaman. It seems like a very random move.

So for the record: money, job, or women problems don’t keep me up at night, but the final fate of aquatic Golden Age characters does.

Superhero Confidential — Substitute Edition

Which GREEN BOY was caught SELLING CARBON OFFSETS to grow GIANT MAN-EATING PLANTS???

Why did this CHILLY LAD get into a sauna with THE FROZEN X-MAN???

Which GRANITE LAD turned into a fountain in a ROME PIAZZA???

What NOCTURNAL LASS spends the SUMMER MONTHS in Alaska so she can get her BEAUTY REST???

Who is the FLAMING LAD who had it coming out BOTH ENDS on chili night???

Happy Birthday, Matt

When we started the blog up a couple months ago, my first inclinations were to put up a) a test post, and b) a manifesto about who we are and what we’re trying to “accomplish”.  I resisted both of these because…Well, it seems like those would be EVERYONE’S first inclinations.  At this point WordPress knows what they’re doing I will kick your ass...In Muppet trivia!and whatever we thought we were trying to do at the beginning would almost certainly turn out to be wrong.  In the end we just dove right into it, so I’d like to take this auspicious occasion to introduce Matt: the funny one, the dude writing in green, the guy looking at the Game Tape and giving us our weekly haiku.

Matt was born a senior citizen on this day in 1936, two years before the creation of the Super-Man that would eventually change his life.  Science has been unable to identify if Matthew had Benjamin Button Disease or was born as an egg from the planet Ork, but his apparent age allowed him to be drafted into the US Army during World War 2 at 6 years old.  Unfortunately, even though 98% of his vestigial tail was removed he was declared 4F due to the military’s concerns that he may not be able to effectively relieve himself in the field.

To study Matt’s life is to study Americana.  In 1952 he sold Elizabeth Marcella Henson the green coat her son Jim would later use to create Kermit the Frog.  In 1967, Matt’s mutant abilities were amplified to the point where he stopped getting younger and Thank you for being a friendbecame 31 years old permanently.  His 1980 season as a Saturday Night Live cast member is often overlooked because it was also the first season for a young Eddie Murphy.  In addition, he served as the “Senior Citizen Romance Consultant” for the first two years of the Golden Girls TV show until the executive producers decided that accuracy was no longer necessary.

Ever since learning to read 15 years ago, Matt has enjoyed comic books and has made it his mission to collect every Golden Age appearance of a gorilla fighting a dinosaur.  His own comic book, Golden Age Gorillas vs Silver Age Dinosaurs on the Moon, will soon be collected as a hardcover.

A hell of a guy, the 3 most important things to know about Matt are:

  1. He is not a lawyer.
  2. He won’t try to have sex with you.
  3. He knows when to leave.

He is also kind to his friends, and tolerant of their stupidity to a fault.

In honor of Matt’s 73rd birthday, please send positive thoughts, best wishes, and pints of Guinness his way.

Bad Ass!

* Apologies to everyone I shamelessly ripped off