Selections from the J. Mysteryman Catalog

Second Sight


“WHY IS THERE NEVER A PHOTOGRAPHER AROUND WHEN YOU NEED ONE!!! THEY’RE ALWAYS HERE BEGGING FOR HANDOUTS BUT NEVER TO BE SEEN WHEN THERE’S A JOB TO DO!”

“Easy, JJJ,” I said.  “I’m here for you.  And I’ve got my Nikon D3X with me.  With 24.5 megapixels,  exceptional noise control, and Nikon’s EXPEED image-processing system, it’ll get whatever pictures you need, better than you could hope for.”

“SHUT IT, PARKER!  THE RHINO’S IN MIDTOWN MAKING A WRECK OF THE PLACE AND I NEED THAT NEAR INSTANTANEOUS SHUTTER RELEASE TIME LAG OF APPROXIMATELY 0.04 SECONDS AND  51-POINT AUTOFOCUS SYSTEM TO GET DOWN THERE AND GET PICTURES!”

I swung by Midtown and there was my odd-toed ungulate.  I got in close and started snapping pics when he saw me.

“Parker!,”  Rhino yelled.  “If you’re here then that spider-creep can’t be far away.  If you take one more picture, even the durable, lightweight magnesium-alloy construction and comprehensive weather
sealing won’t stop me from tearing that camera into a million pieces.

The camera cost $7400, but I took the picture anyway.*

Camera only available in black.  Strap available in any color, sold separately.

* Apologies to Frank Miller
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Selected Items From The J. Mysteryman Catalog

Where DO they get those wonderful toys?  Why, from the J. Mysteryman Catalog, of course.  Everything you need to be a dashing (or dastardly) man of action can be purchased within.  You know how it’s done.  A cape, a stupid story, a huge markup.  This week’s LIST presents selected items from the J. Mysteryman Catalog.

Welcome to the Great White North

SNIKT!

When you’re up to your elbows in the entrails of Hand assassins you don’t have time to check yourself in the mirror.  You just try to keep the beast in check and keep plowing.

Made out of the finest moisture and blood-wicking materials, this uniform accentuates your unique characteristics and allows you to be you.  The mask is uniquely designed to be recognizable and mimic your special coif.  The metal ports in the gauntlets showcase your razor-sharp claws.

Playful, presumptuous, savage.  You’re the best there is at what you do, but you can certainly dress pretty while you do it.

Available in Yellow and Brown, Yellow and Blue, Black and Gray, or Patch

The Smooth Operator

You’ve spent years training and honing your body. Your mind is keen as a Spanish blade. Before you walk out of the door of your lair for night patrol, don’t forget to protect your identity with our black velvet domino style mask. It may look slight, but it is the little things that separate the heroes from the statistics.

Made of superior Bulgarian velvet, it is smooth on the skin and prevents chaffing during the long hours you may wear it. Our mask is durable and can withstand direct heat in excess of 900 degrees Fahrenheit. They are guaranteed to be puncture and tear proof. Reflective lenses are optional. These masks are unisex and sized according to the span of the bridge of the nose. Please see the sizing chart on page 37. Masks stay affixed with any spirit gum adhesive.

Get Her Done

Running, jumping, climbing in trees.  It’s not easy being a girl in the boys’ club.  You have to do everything they do, better than they do, and look good doing it.  In heels.

But when it’s these heels, it’s a pleasure.  Knee-high, they’re shapely and they’re fabulous.  Crafted by artisans on the Rock of Eternity who have been honing their craft for one million years, these shoes look and feel as if they’ve been waiting one million years just for you.

Whether you’re flying to a meeting at your headquarters, running to save drowning kittens, or kicking a cosmic cube out of a supervillain’s hand, these heels will show you mean business.  And you can out-run, -jump, or -climb anyone.

Patent leather or PVC.  Available in all colors.  Women’s whole sizes only.  Natural stitching.

The Metropolitan Mantle

Looking at your chronometer, you notice that you’ve got seven minutes to fly from Peru to Washington D.C. You’re expected for a photo-op with the President of the United States of America. Over middle America, you notice a burning orphanage, and without a second thought you turn off course. Whether you’re swooping in to rescue ragamuffins or gently touching down in the Rose Garden, nothing says power and confidence like a fluttering cape.

Our Metropolitan Mantle sets the style standard that the public has come to expect over the last 70 years. The mantle is luxuriously made to highest standards of safety and comfort. These sleek capes are hand cut buy our fraternity of weaver-assassins to your measurements. Made of a space-aged material they are tailored for maximum fluttering and high durability.

These capes are available in all of our standard colors except ecru.

Only A Pawn In Game Of Life

Puny humans!  Their stupid, STUPID minds cannot comprehend you!  Why humans try hurt you?  You only want to be left alone!

What can soothe the savage beast?  Trousers.

Leaping through the desert for a living is hot during the day and cold at night.  You need something that will keep you comfortable and rampaging.  You need slacks.  Slacks that will be there with you when you’re feeling puny.  Slacks that will be there when you’re at your maddest and strongest.  And slacks that can withstand a mortar shell.

They may be soiled and battered, but that’s just because they match your heart.

Only available in purple.