Nick Fury…SECRETS

Life’s been a bit rough since they can’t show people smoking in comics.

secret…

I’m so bad, I kick my own ass twice a day.

Secret…

One of the first things I did as Director of SHIELD was to reunite the cast and crew of Quantum Leap. I got the ending we all deserved.

SECRET…

If I weren’t a badass superspy, I’d be a used car salesman.

SECRETS…

I’m a Leno man. He is the comic voice of a generation.

SECRETS!

Megatron… SECRETS.

Oh yes, Frank Sinatra and I go way back. He was a dear, dear friend.

secret…

Once a week all of the Megatrons meet for breakfast at McDonalds.

Secret…

Basically, we Decepticons have all the energon we’ll ever need. I’m waiting for my chance on Dancing with the Stars.

Secret…

Not knowing the f-ing difference between the nominative and objective pronouns is not an attractive character affectation.

SECRET…

NASCAR is basically pornography for those of us from Cybertron.

SECRETS!

Mister Miracle — Secrets!

Kids, I’ve escaped from many things in my day, but one thing I CAN’T escape is the love of a good woman.

Secrets!

One snuggle from Big Barda and you’ll forget all that perverse and unnatural time you spent with Oberon in the lab.

Secrets!

The love of Granny Goodness is nothing next to the unforgiving embrace of your own Female Fury.

Secrets!

The only thing I’d ever want to escape now is the single life.

Secrets!

Yup, kiss life as you know it goodbye.

SECRETS!!!

Red Hulk… SECRETS!

Red Hulk is the Hulk of Champions.

secret…

So Iooked Barnes square in the eye after breakfast, and I said,”Son, I know Captain America. He made me pancakes once; he was a personal friend of mine. You sir are no Captain America.

A speech I delivered to the GAO regarding hookers, cocaine, and multi-million dollar Hulk-busting armor inspired Aaron Sorkin to write a scene in “West Wing.”

SECRET…

Back in my day, we didn’t have any numbers larger than 4.

SECRETS!

Emma Frost — Secrets!

I can make my body display the toe of any animal.

Secrets!

Honestly, I’m glad Frank Quitely includes the zipper on my costume. Nobody else thinks about how I’m going to take out my penis.

Secrets!

It’s not blue lip gloss, I just make out with Bobby Drake a LOT.

Secrets!

The X-Men are WAY more evil than the Hellfire Club. Cyclops NEVER pays his parking tickets!

Secrets!

I guess if there’s anything I’ve learned during my time with the X-Men, it’s this: Psylocke is a lousy psychic.

SECRETS!!!

Supergirl — Secrets!

I couldn't BELIEVE the fuss when I switched to undershorts. Wait, they WHAT?!?!?

Secrets!

I'm glad I had streaky. Kal refused to get Krypto "fixed".

Secrets!

I don't know why these rumors persist about me and Luthor. Wait, Luthor and I. Wait, no. Grammar is dumb, kids.

Secrets!

They coined the term "muffin top" after me. When I was a kid Ma Kent liked to bake pies a LIIIIIIIIIITTLE too much.

Secrets!

You may have guessed, I have one secret go-to move that's in every Kryptonian's arsenal.

SECRETS!!!

Cobra Commander — Secrets!

The snake is a great metaphor...Phor gettin' bitches back to my crib!

Secrets…

My most evil world domination plan yet: Game of Thrones.

Secrets…

I'm responsible for 7 of the last 9 songs that only describe how to do a dance.

Secrets…

I've got 80% of the Republican candidates on my payroll. Ron Paul refuses to see the light, though.

Secrets…

People really don't understand the burden of leading a terrorist organization...And staying trim enough to fit into this jumpsuit.

SECRETS!!!