#THE_LIST

In this day and age it’s easier than ever to keep tabs on friends, family, and nemeses. Especially if you want to let those same people know where you are and what you’re up to. For the Bat-family the Twitter is the preferred method of announcing thoughts and events. This week we take a peek at tweets that were posted to @Batfamily.

@Hush_SHHHH
Hey, kids, guess whose face I have this week?  #BruceWayne

@THE_BAT
STFU @Hush_SHHHH

@DICKEY_BRID
@HUSH_SHHHH @THE_BAT Your mama’s?

@PussyCat
Need an In-N-Out Burger!  Who’s in? #Seriously

@Harold_The_Hunch
Can’t leave the cave. Bring me 3X3 w/extra stinkers plz. @PussyCat

@ALFRED
Removing blood from kevlar? Thoughts? #laundryday

@THE_BAT
Couldn’t find my cowl this morning. Slept in it! #TIREDFAIL

@DICKEY_BIRD
Sometimes I miss Bludhaven #BAZINGA!

@RED_ROBIN
If we get 10,000 followers, I’ll post nude pics of Selina Kyle. #SCHWING!

@Man_Who_Laughs
@RedHood seen my crowbar?  I seem to have misplaced it.
@THE_BAT
Looking 4 new butler/major domo. He doesn’t keep the soup warm.
@ALFRED
@THE_BAT It’s supposed to be cold #vichyssoise
@BROKE_THE_BAT
Howz the back? Hurt in cold weather? @THE_BAT
@THE_BAT
Howz the voice? @BROKE_THE_BAT
@BROKE_THE_BAT
sTFU!!!!!!!1!!!!!!! @THE_BAT
@Harold_The_Hunch

Starring Jerry Mathers as The Wolverine

We’re living in a Golden Age of comic book movies, but it wasn’t always so. And for every great idea, like Timothy Dalton as Iron Man, there were two HORRIBLE ideas, like Nic Cage as Superman or Orson Welles as Batman.  For this week’s LIST we happily present The Worst Superhero Actors You Never Had To See.

  • Redd Foxx as Black Panther

  • Jim Nabors as Captain Marvel

  • Charles Nelson Riley as Lex Luthor

  • George Foreman as the Incredible Hulk

You almost got a fantastic Four movie featuring (L to R): Jack Elam as Mr. Fantastic, Rue McClanahan as the Invisible Woman, Gary Coleman as the Human Torch, and Rip Taylor as the Thing

 

  • Michael Landon as Hal Jordan

  • Yul Brynner as Silver Surfer

  • Bea Arthur’s Wonder Woman

  • Burt Reynolds as Superman

Mother’s Little LIST

Pharmaceutical Companies are spending big money in advertising and developing pills to solve all of life’s little problems. Not surprisingly, things are no different in the worlds inhabited by our favorite comic book characters. As you will see, things are a little different…

When my patients come to me with complaints of constipation, I recommend Tyler Chemicals new laxative: Mira-go.

Cthul-away is marketed in the universe inhabited by Hellboy and the BPRD. It is recommended for anyone feeling possessed by Satan or one of the Elder gods. It is also recommended as a “morning after pill” if you have reason to believe that you spent the night mating with a being (male, female, or other) from the dark dimensions. Possible side effects include speaking in ancient tongues, anal seepage, dizziness, the nubs, and liver complications.

Suprin – Counteracts discomfort caused by everyday interactions with Kryptonite.

Octolegra – Tired of how hard it is keeping ALL your MECHANICAL ARMS on TASK?  OCTOLEGRA helps relieve the discomfort associated with autonomous mechanical limbs.  Approved for 1-3 limbs over the counter, 4 -7 with a prescription.  Ask your doctor if Octolegra is right for you.

Pym Plus – a pleasant smelling tincture; good for what ails ye.

Ruby Quartz-Ade – By building up a supply of Ruby Quartz in the body,
it helps suppress all powers kept in line by RQ.  Also with
Electrolytes.

Rogue-a-Cedrin – Allows you to pick up your favorite regional dialect
without having to fake an accent!  Comes in Southern, Cajun, Russian,
and German.  For entertainment purposes only.

Portasol – a patch worn to reduce the nausea, disorientation, and dizziness associated with particle and molecular transporters. Portasol-M is for those same symptoms associated with magic based teleportation.

Ferracil – turns the iron in the blood non-magnetic to prevent manipulation by Magneto, Polaris, Dr. Polaris, Cosmic Boy, and hundreds of others with magnetic based powers. Developed by DARPA for the US government of 616.

Shazamil – a children’s vaccine in the DCU to prevent the all-too-common problem of magical contamination (by bearded old men or otherwise).

Alevil – given to infant twins to prevent Evil Twin Syndrome.

Leaked San Diego ComiCon Rumors!

Summer convention season is upon us, and most publishers take the opportunity to use the bigger cons to announce their plans for the next year.  We’ve managed to intercept some of them from the L.E.M.U.R. satellite orbiting 22,300 miles above the earth, and are happy to spoil their plans.  For the children.

  • DC

    DC will no longer publish comics. Instead it will create and sell lines of merchandise based on the art of Jim Lee. Look for a glut of Batman figures, figurines, and girl’s panties. Also expect more figurines envisioning DC’s famous properties in a hyper sexy anime style.

    • DC will launch Crisis on Finite Earths, except set in the Marvel Universe as the Wolverine of Earth-X and the Spider-Man of Earth 3 finally meet and push the Gwen Stacy of Earth-1 off a bridge.  Then the worlds collapse or something.  Look, it’s just time that Marvel did this, too. Trust us, we’re pros.
    • Feeling that Miracleman rights are a little too close to getting sorted, DC announces they will hire Neil Gaiman to finish his run for them instead of Marvel.
    • Rob Liefeld will become Deputy Chief Creative Officer of DC Comics, assisting Geoff Johns.  They will also collaborate on a new title, tentatively scheduled to be a reboot of Jack Kirby’s Sandman.
  • Marvel
    • Thor figures front and center this fall, as he becomes a single mom.
    • Marvel will incorporate hidden Mickeys in each issue of each title they publish. Readers are encouraged to document each occurrence and mail it in. Entries will be checked for accuracy and winners will be selected every six months for a free trip to Euro-Disney.
    • This will be Marvel’s last year at SDCC.  Going forward they will be Spotlight Guests at the brand new San Diego DisneyCon the last week of July.

    Marvel is being exceptionally tight-lipped about this Fall’s Namor War. Bleeding Cool reports that they’ve come up with a name and 6 promo images but have absolutely no idea what to do with them.

  • Dark Horse Comics
    • In honor of Concrete’s 26th anniversary Dark Horse Comics ALL Dark Horse publications will participate “Concrete Month.” Stories will revolve around and feature Paul Chadwick’s iconoclastic creation.
  • Image
    • In the largest crossover of it’s kind, Kurt Busiek’s Astro City will cross over with Ed Brubaker’s Fatale and Jonathan Hickman’s Manhattan Projects.  Nick Spencer’s Infinite Vacation will make an appearance, but 8 months late.
    • Top Cow has decided to drop the charade and simply call itself Tits Comics.
  • Boom!
    • Roger Langridge will take over as Editor-in-Chief, put snarks in every title.
  • Archie
    • Archie Comics will shock readers in November with “Who Killed Archie Andrews?”
  • Diamond Distributors
    • In an effort to improve customer service, Diamond will be breaking itself into 12 smaller independent distributors based on geographic region. Griff Moran, a spokesperson for Diamond, assures that these “Diamond Chips” will only be 1/12th as incompetent as the original monopoly. Expect this change in January of 2013.

Alan Moore will write issues 9-12 of Adventure Time. You heard it here first!

Phoenix Force 101…THE LIST

The Phoenix Force can give awesome hugs.

The Phoenix Force is one of the most feared and destructive forces in the Marvel Universe. Outside of destroying planets and instilling hope in some of the mutant community, writers have been woefully unclear as to what exactly it does. At last weekend’s convention, Jesse found a copy of Marvel’s in-house breakdown of the abilities and limitations of the Phoenix Force.

The Phoenix Force can do long division by hand, but CANNOT do short
division.

The Phoenix Force cannot help you with your taxes.

The Phoenix Force will not get rid of the nubs.

The Phoenix Force can take a hint.

The Phoenix Force cannot BELIEVE you said that.

The Phoenix Force can make sense of Star Trek V.

The Phoenix Force can’t stand Leonard Cohen.

The Phoenix Force can be a bit of a bitch.

The Phoenix Force can’t help falling in love with you.

The Phoenix Force can handle that for you.

The Phoenix Force can twist again like we did last summer.

Say What?!

Justice League #1 is a classic cover, but Guy Gardner’s classic “Wanna make somethin’ of it?” line almost wasn’t!  Here are a few options DC ALMOST went with instead.

  • Yup.  Somebody definitely cut one.

  • Marvel smells like lilacs.

  • Happy Habor represent, yo.

  • Yer Momma.

  • We’re gonna need a bigger boat…

  • You won’t see us takin’ a shwarma break.

  • …and we’re all outta bubblegum.

  • No, this is the start of the line for Breaking Dawn, Part 2.

  • J’onn here wants to marry a duck. The rest of us are here for support.

  • Our Dr. Light doesn’t rape people.

  • Friend, we’d like to talk to you about the Gospel of Superman.

  • He’s the goddamn Bat, and we’re the goddamn Justice League.

The LIST: Where are they now?

Between revamps, reboots, various crises, and a decimation, we’ve lost a lot of characters that were once favorites or at least got a lot of panel time. This week we ask about their whereabouts.

Stardust lost everything during an ill-fated trip to Atlantic City and gave up superheroing. Always looking for the next big score, he is currently trying to sue the Internet over the rights to “planking”.

 

Master Mold I – the sentient sentinel factory was hollowed out and turned into the Genoshan equivalent of Dave and Buster’s.

Irving Forbush – settled down with Ma Hunkle and moved to Flagstaff,
AZ.  They’ve raised 7 children who haven’t given them any grandkids
yet.  All have cookware on their noggins.

Turok – the famed dinosaur hunter continues to hunt dinsoaur. However, he now also dresses them and sells them in his specialty meats shop located near Encino California.

Alfred E. Newman – the former child star worries.  A lot.  About the
future of your soul.

 

Vulko – If you’re in the market for a used seahorse, why not swim on over to Crazy Vulko’s Used Seahorse Emporium? We’re the Official Used Seahorse Dealer – by appointment – to Aquaman!

Ray Palmer – gave up his Atom identity to be replaced by Green Arrow for a while.

Cameron Hodge – the biggoted techno-organic foe of the X-Men finally accepted that mutants were a part of life. Since 2009, Hodge has worked at the Best Buy in Ames, Iowa. He’s Assistant Manager in charge of the Geek Squad.

Cyclone – This more-recent JSA member, once an optimistic, youthful ball of energy, continues to emulate Red Tornado by spending all her time crying.  The JSA is not returning her calls.

Herbie Popnecker – at 66, Reverend Popnecker uses his lollipop powers exclusively to glorify the Lord Jesus Christ and torment Satan and his legions of demons. He is the founder and senior minister of a mega church in San Antonio Texas.