The All-New, All-Different New Guardians

In Blackest Night, Geoff Johns pulled a giant deus ex machina out of his hat when he revealed that each “New Guardian’s” ring can create one additional ring. I’m sure Johns picked DCU characters he thought would be cool and fit the story, but what if he wasn’t limited to the DCU?  What if any cartoon or comic book character was available to him?  I imagine if that was the case we’d see a much, much different alliance.  One that would look something like this.

Red Lantern Corps (Rage)

Hulk – The Hulk is all about rage: the madder he gets, the stronger he gets.  There’s even a red one out there running around these days, busting things up and acting like a jerk.  Just picture him constantly vomiting up blood and you’re already there.

Runner Up: Yosemite Sam

Agent Orange (Avarice)

Ash Ketchum – Ash is the greedy little kid determined to capture one of every animal (excuse me, pokemon) in the world, to the detrimtent of every relationship he’s ever been in.  That describes avarice much better than a mad scientist who wants to rule the world because Superman made him lose his hair when he was a boy.

Runner Up: Bender

Sinestro Corps (Fear)

Gargamel – The Scarecrow is a terrific if obvious choice for the yellow ring.  Much like Parallax is the only thing to scare Green Lanterns, there’s only one thing Smurfs fear, and that’s Gargamel.  He takes delight in capturing them, either to eat them or turn them into gold.  That’s fairly scary if you’re Belgian.

Runner Up: Starscream

Green Lantern Corps (Will)

Hank Hill – Have you ever met one of those people who seem like they can do anything by sheer force of will?  Hank Hill is that guy.  Slap a ring on him and as long as you assure him it’s a military weapon and not hippie jewelry or an improv prop he’ll get the job done.

Runner Up: Panthro

Blue Lantern Corps (Hope)

Superman – Of all the characters Johns had to play with, I can’t believe he didn’t go for the obvious choice to represent Hope: Superman.  If Barack Obama had a cape, superpowers, had saved the world hundreds of times )and the universe dozens), then MAYBE he could sit in on a lecture Superman gave on how to give people hope. Superman could be caught with a live boy AND a dead girl and people wouldn’t lose hope. He’s like Michael Jackson and R. Kelly wrapped up in a cape and with heat vision, that’s how much people believe in him.

Runner Up: Charlie Brown

Indigo Tribe (Compassion)

Optimus Prime – Optimus Prime’s only weakness is his compassion for all living creatures.  Being part of the Indigo Tribe would allow him to turn that into his greatest strength.  Of course, a giant metal robot covered with tribal tattoos and holding a tiny stick wouldn’t be very imposing, but it would be compassionate.

Runner Up: She-Ra

Star Sapphires (Love)

Tenderheart Bear – Wikipedia says “Tenderheart Bear helps everyone show and express their feelings and helps his fellow Care Bears be the most caring they can be. In the 1980s movies and cartoons he was the leader of the Care Bears. He is orange (originally brown) and his tummy symbol is a big red heart with a pink outline.”  That sounds about right.  What do I know about Care Bears?

Runner Up: Hello Kitty

Those are my thoughts.  Did I get someone right?  Or very, very wrong?  Hit us up in the comments sections.

It’s wrowng…wrowng!

I wrestled with whether or not to share this bit of information with you for all of ummmm… 5 seconds. Misery loves company, and I was/ am miserable. May God have mercy on me for what I am about to do.

I appreciate that it might be exciting to include role play in your dalliances. I understand that with comic book collectors role playing might involve characters from various books or movies. This can’t be good for business.

It can’t really be good for anyone.

For me, the only things aroused were confusion and horror… not the good kind of confusion either.

Superhero Confidential – Special Cybertron Edition

Who is the MUSICAL PORSCHE that threatened to walk when the suits tried naming him "HIP-HOP"???

Which TINY APIS is rumored to be packing more than GEORGE BURNS???

What HEADLESS ARACHNIDBOT was busted trolling for LADY ROBOT SQUIDS???

Which DECEPTICON is really a fleshling-operated suit piloted by COBRA COMMANDER???

More Than Meets The Eye, Part II

Over 25 years, much has been made — even on this very blog — about the poor marksmanship of beloved Hasbro characters. While GI Joe and Cobra are only human, with their apparently limitless budgets to create futuristic vehicles, armors, weapons, and undersea bases you would think a little of that money could go towards target practice and making helmets that survive being knocked together. The Transformers, though…Well, I think they’re getting a bad rap. Let me ask you:

Can you find Soundwave in this picture?

Operation: Where's Waldo?

Of course not! Quite frankly, I’m surprised that our friends from the planet Cybertron can see anything at all. First off, the Transformers are robots composed completely of digital components. That means they don’t have eyes at all, they’ve got two head-mounted digital cameras for stereoscopic vision. Now, assuming that here in 2009 a top-of-the line digital camera is 20 megapixels, using Moore’s Law (which roughly says that processor speed will double every 18 months) we can work backwards and determine that in 1984 the Transformers’ eyes would be roughly 0.078 megapixels. When that’s your entire field of vision, it’s barely There he is!enough to make out colored blobs, much less be useful for precise targetshooting. The Cybertronians were doing the best they could with what they had! Also, keeping in mind that they could turn into everyday vehicles, it would be impossible to tell Starscream from Pan Am Flight 103 (not that I’m pointing fingers). Even giant Autobot or Decepticon symbols would be impossible to make out at a distance.

Of course, this is all working on the unlikely assumption that they got immediate upgrades upon waking up after crashing on Mt. St. Helens in 1984. In reality, their last major upgrade was probably FOUR MILLION YEARS EARLIER! I’ll leave it to a better (read: any) mathematician than I to trace pixel numbers back that far.

I'm sure Hound just can't see Spike.  I'm sure that's it!The point of all this, though, is to beg Earthlings (or fleshlings, if you’d rather) to be a little more symapthetic to the Cybertronian plight. They did not have the advantage we did of being born with perfect analog visual receptacles. They do the best they can with what they have, and we should be congratulating them on their 15% hit rate rather than focusing on the collateral damage produced by all of those errant laser blasts.