Doctor Octopus… Secrets!

Lots of people ask if I… pleasure myself… with my extra arms. The answer is no. Not that I ddint’ think about it.


One night I woke up and found myself on stage with a Who tribute band. Apparently my arms are good drummers.


I like Lunchables...


A couple of years ago, this woman at an IHOP mistook me for Elton John... I didn't tell her otherwise.


Aunt May or Bea Arthur...that's a tough call. Both?



Captain Marvel, when the word SHAZAM! is shouted, derives his powers from six gods and legendary figures from olden times. Another well known example (…to Jesse and I and anyone who is a Michael Kupperman fan) is SCREWPA. This is a series of porn titles with magic powers. But there are other words floating out there that when shouted create heroes, heroines and villains of remarkable ability. Here are some of the lesser used regular and acronymic magic words that cause transformations in comics.

KHaN (Kirk, Hefner, and Nugent) when screamed by 12 year old Stanley Lieber, he becomes hairy chested lothario and exemplar of manliness: Stan Lee.

NERD harnesses the powers of Newton, Einstein, Robiquet, and Da Vinci, and allows to Gary Gygax to roll two saving throws against Magic Missile.

RICHARDS!!!, when screamed by mild-mannered gypsy Victor Von Doom, allows him to  capture the power of Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards, get ridiculously drunk, high as a kite, and make time with ladies who would otherwise never give him a second look due to his grim visage .

KERFUFFLE – allows the user to access the poetic word power and combine vocabulary of Kipling, Emerson, Rossetti, Frost, Updike, Fitzgerald, Faulkner, Lear, and Elliot. Like the magic of the Wizard Shazam, this power may be accessed by multiple users at once. Most often it is used by desperate English majors and comics blog writers.

HOOCH – on Earth 90, Tony Stark calls on the strength and stamina of Hemmingway, the puking power of Ouzo, lowered inhibitions of Old Milwaukee, and the drunk goggles of Cognac and Hot Damn to become The Fighting Drunk.

Exclaiming the word HAG gives Fred J. Dukes the ability to harness the comedy stylings of Hardy, Arbuckle, and Gleason to become the world’s funniest (and fattest) mutant.

One night young Willy Watson followed a mysterious stranger into an abandoned aeroport. Magically transported to the Stone of Forever, an old witch instructs Willy to become a champion by shouting her name: JAGATH! Willy was then imbued with the energy of Jupiter, the staying power of Atum, the bravery of Gilgamesh the common sense of King Arthur, the muscles of Thor, and the quickness of Hermes.

SPANDEX allows any would-be hero or villain to look good in tights. Results are comparable to sucking in one’s gut. Does not apply to Otto Octavius. N. B. This particular magic word was first invoked by Adam West on the set of the Batman television series.

HOLY – If young sidekick Robin exclaims this and punches his fist, he gains the ability to intuit moderately difficult deductions.