Two years ago, I took the opportunity to share the origin story of my co-head writer and partner in crime Matt. I related the story of his birth in 1936,  his Benjamin Button Disease, and lifetime of service to the Golden Girls.  Last year, recognizing subtle changes to his continuity after Superboy punched something, the record was updated to reflect the more recent changes.

This year?  Well, this year there have been some changes.  Not a hard reboot, mind you, more of a soft relaunch.

Matt was born five years ago, and has racked up a constant stream of accomplishments in that short period of time.  I first had the pleasure of meeting him 28 years ago, which works out just fine unless you spend more than 15 seconds thinking about it.

Despite being of a kindergarten age, Matt graduated summa cum laude from Princeton in Superhero studies and his Master’s thesis on Mad Science earned him a MacArthur genius grant.  In a wink to previous continuity, he channeled that funding and research into a discovery about the very same hard water that originally gave him his powers. With no Golden Age heroes to inspire him, he no longer became the fastest man alive but instead focused on his research into harnessing energy from the stars into a device he has tentatively named a cosmic rod.

Despite a full-time job as a scientist and man of action, Matt is an avid hobbyist time traveler and has gone back in time to shove many notable people, including Hitler, Walt Disney, and FDR (before the wheelchair).  He is also the basis for Marty McFly of the Back to the Future film franchise.  Fortunately for his CV, in new continuity he is the 4th smartest man in the world (after Michael Holt) and has achieved the EGOT that had otherwise eluded him.  His lawsuit against Mr. Holt for infringement on his likeness is still ongoing.

His first graphic novel, “Silver Age Gorillas vs Silver Age Dinosaurs on the Moon,” will be released next year by Bluewater Press, their first attempt at making a readable comic book.  When asked what motivates him, Matt usually just replies “I swear I didn’t fall down those stairs, I was PUSHED.  Something about this timeline doesn’t feel right.”

Now that he has been initiated into the 33rd level, all of the secrets behind the secrets will be revealed to him. 

Happy Birthday, Matt

When we started the blog up a couple months ago, my first inclinations were to put up a) a test post, and b) a manifesto about who we are and what we’re trying to “accomplish”.  I resisted both of these because…Well, it seems like those would be EVERYONE’S first inclinations.  At this point WordPress knows what they’re doing I will kick your ass...In Muppet trivia!and whatever we thought we were trying to do at the beginning would almost certainly turn out to be wrong.  In the end we just dove right into it, so I’d like to take this auspicious occasion to introduce Matt: the funny one, the dude writing in green, the guy looking at the Game Tape and giving us our weekly haiku.

Matt was born a senior citizen on this day in 1936, two years before the creation of the Super-Man that would eventually change his life.  Science has been unable to identify if Matthew had Benjamin Button Disease or was born as an egg from the planet Ork, but his apparent age allowed him to be drafted into the US Army during World War 2 at 6 years old.  Unfortunately, even though 98% of his vestigial tail was removed he was declared 4F due to the military’s concerns that he may not be able to effectively relieve himself in the field.

To study Matt’s life is to study Americana.  In 1952 he sold Elizabeth Marcella Henson the green coat her son Jim would later use to create Kermit the Frog.  In 1967, Matt’s mutant abilities were amplified to the point where he stopped getting younger and Thank you for being a friendbecame 31 years old permanently.  His 1980 season as a Saturday Night Live cast member is often overlooked because it was also the first season for a young Eddie Murphy.  In addition, he served as the “Senior Citizen Romance Consultant” for the first two years of the Golden Girls TV show until the executive producers decided that accuracy was no longer necessary.

Ever since learning to read 15 years ago, Matt has enjoyed comic books and has made it his mission to collect every Golden Age appearance of a gorilla fighting a dinosaur.  His own comic book, Golden Age Gorillas vs Silver Age Dinosaurs on the Moon, will soon be collected as a hardcover.

A hell of a guy, the 3 most important things to know about Matt are:

  1. He is not a lawyer.
  2. He won’t try to have sex with you.
  3. He knows when to leave.

He is also kind to his friends, and tolerant of their stupidity to a fault.

In honor of Matt’s 73rd birthday, please send positive thoughts, best wishes, and pints of Guinness his way.

Bad Ass!

* Apologies to everyone I shamelessly ripped off