SHAZAM! It’s a LIST!

Back in the happy golden days of yore, the Marvel Family was huge. What with Uncle Marvel, Mary, Freddy, and the Lieutenants, by the time the Crisis on Infinite Earths occurred maybe 58 people on Earth S weren’t imbued with powers given them by the Wizard Shazam. This weeks List looks at notable members of the Marvel Family that never got any panel time.

Modern Marvel – Feeling that Billy and company were not “with it” enough the Wizard Shazam granted powers to the hippest most “with it” person he could think of: Pat Boone.

Marvelbot 5000 – A Sivana creation that gained sentience, the K.I.L.L.M.A.R.V.E.L. robot also grew a conscience and has learned to love the Marvel Family.  He can summon the wizard’s lightning when he says the 01010011011010000110000101111010011000010110110100100001, although it short-circuits him and renders him completely useless for an hour.

Santa Marvel – The Santa Claus of Earth S is actually a member of the Marvel Family. How else would he accomplish all of that in a single night?

The Marvel Militia – Armed minutemen in the Rocky Mountains defend the Rock of Eternity from illegals trying to enter without due process from the wizard Shazam.

Andrew Marvel – not to be confused with the poet Andrew Marvell, this guy was given powers for generally being a mensch and because his name is actually Andrew Marvel.

King Marvel – honored by Elvis Presley’s devotion to Captain Marvel, Jr., The King of Rock and Roll was awarded powers to allow him to take care of business in a flash.

Ted Marvel – Ted Nugent was granted special powers after teaching Billy Batson how to dress his own game.

Hobo Marvel – This was just the time that Captain Marvel dressed as a homeless man in order to solve The Mystery of the Hobo Army and became the cleanest hobo the world has ever seen.  Hobo!

The Marvelchaun – Travelling to the end of the rainbow, John Dolemite captured the leprechaun and made a wish: to gain his piece of the Marvel Family powers!    The leprechaun granted his wish, but since the Irish are hated enemies of the wizard Shazam and have no claim to the lightning, Dolemite was given a dark, twisted, Irish version of the powers.  Now whenever he says “Sure An’ Begorra” he becomes the Marvelchaun, a dark imp who plagues the real Marvel Family and can only be banished with corned beef and cabbage.

Li’l Marvel – The adorable, pig-tailed, and lisping next door neighbor of the Wizard Shazam is allowed to call down the thunder from time to time so that she can retrieve her own ball when it lands in his yard.

 

Dream Team

With IDW, Dynamite, and BOOM!, and others buying up properties and converting them into comics, this installment is going to be a series of suggestions: properties that should be comics. So strap yourself into your bathtub for a taste of adventure.

1. Dolemite – the solar system became a spiritually poorer place when Rudy Ray Moore passed away last year. Jesse and I had the chance to meet him at the world premier of “Dolemite 2000.” I shook his hand, but was too awed to say anything coherent. In honor of that we begin with what would be an ideal property to revive: Dolemite. Pimps and ho’s are in style, and no one is pimpier than Dolemite. Whether he is rolling down a hill butt-naked to escape a girl’s father/ sheriff, tussling with Mean Willie Green, or spreading the word at his club The Total Experience, Dolemite is a force of nature.  In an ideal world, Moore would co-plot and write the dialogue. Unfortunately, dead means dead. So, let’s say Bendis and ODB co-ploting with the majority of the dialogue supplied by ODB. Why Bendis? Let’s face it, his Luke Cage revamp in Alias is the closest we’ve come to cloning Dolemite. Why Ol’ Dirty Bastard? Really…do you have to ask? The art chores are a tough call…I don’t know…Rob Liefeld? (ADDENDUM: Jesse points out that ODB is dead also. His suggestion of RZA is a good substitute.)

2. Milo and Otis – In the last few years, we’ve seen a resurgence of animal books. Owly and Corgi spring to mind immediately. These are cute books where animals do cute things and philosophize cutely. Imagine a James Kochalka written and drawn book. Checkout Monkey vs. Robot or Pinky and Stinky; your life will be better for it. Kochalka knows this realm of cute surreality. Besides, Milo and Otis having cute adventures is something we need more of in this life. ‘Nuff said.

3. They Might be Giants – Comics and popular music often intermingle. Think of the glorious Kid ‘n Play that Marvel published back in the ’90’s. Not to mention the many bio-books that have covered everyone from K.I.S.S. to New Kids on the Block. The world of John Flansburgh and John Linnell is ideal for comic book treatment. A blend of action/adventure and funny book, this book would be best drawn by Michael Kupperman (of Snake ‘n Bacon and Tales Designed to Thrizzle fame). A close second would be Keith Giffen and J. M. DeMatteis on script with Kevin MacGuire on art.

4. Anything from the minds of Sid and Marty Kroft. I have what some would call an unnatural love of H.R. Puffinstuff, and with “Land of the Lost” bringing exposure to the Kroft brothers, it’s a crime that there aren’t associated books. Only one of three people could do justice to the catalogue of Kroftian craziness: Tony Millionaire, Peter Bagge, or Michael Kupperman. These guys know crazy shit.

That’ll wrap up another session of the Dream Team. What properties would you like to see turned into comic books? Who would you have working on them? What are some of your dream teams in general? Feel free to post in the comments section.