The List

Personals: Missed Connections

 

 

 

Love was in the air this week, and Cupid’s arrows flew. Last year LEMUR presented Valentine’s Day personal ads from several newspapers around the DC and the Marvel Universes. This year, we take a look at those who are still paying for personal ads after Valentine’s Day. Specifically, this year we’re looking at those fateful missed connections.

You, 5’4″ leggy brunette female in yellow floral sundress (no panties) and hat on 5th Ave @ Rockerfeller Plaza. Me, 0.2″ male in red spandex with chrome helmet, riding an ant. Would much rather ride you all night long. Find me at Avengers’ Mansion. Ask for Goliath.

Sorry About That Lab Accident!

Me, 20-something graduate student with punctuality issues.
You, a co-ed caught in a radiation accident, which may or may not have
caused a hideous mutation.
Come on back.  We can work it out.

Say Cheese!

Maybe you caught yourself on the front page of the Daily Planet this
morning?  Superman was fighting The Parasite on Broadway and you were
in the crowd.  You were also the reason Superman looked slightly
diffused, because my focus was on you.  If you dig guys in bow ties,
call the Planet and ask for Jimmy.

It wasn’t all about the Benjamins!

You, 40 something Hugo Boss loan officer with an air of defiance. Me, a perfect Ten. Noticed you across the bank as the Royal Flush Gang made a substantial withdrawal from the Star City Savings and Loan. I was impressed that you didn’t soil yourself like the other guys. Would like to get to know you over coffee.

Let Kupid take A.I.M.

You were a temp doing clerical work for my “company” during the week of Jan. 10th. I was always too busy to chat, what with the running the place and doing giant-head-in-floating-chair-things. Still, I couldn’t help notice you and the way you filled out that yellow jumpsuit. Don’t be intimidated, I’m a Mental Organism Designed Only for Kommitment!

Love Train Thrown off Track.

Hey, we were both on the B Line headed to the city when Doctor Octopus derailed the train. You were reading Anna Karenina through your cat-eye glasses, and I was wearing the pinstriped trouser and black vest. Our eyes met the moment before Spidey crashed through the windows. Am I wrong to think there was some chemistry? Call me: KL5-4796

You Will Be DOOM’s

DOOM saw you from his box at an Off-Broadway performance of The
Fountainhead and almost had you kidnapped.  You appear to be of the
appropriate Eastern European descent and were wearing a lovely
sweater.  You are interested in DOOM.  Call 7|425-2737 or risk the
wrath of Latveria’s monarch.

Feetal’s Gizz!

If you had been on my home planet I wouldn’t have killed them all.
Just before I punched Superman through your building I saw you were
playing solitaire.  I guess they declared your floor off-limits cause
I haven’t seen you there for the last 3 weeks (I been flying outside
waiting).  If you’re cool with space dolphins and don’t freak out if
my dog watches while we do it.  Email me and we can play solitaire
together. thewolf@earthlink.net

I’ll fix the mess he made of your life

You: Disheveled crying red-head leaving hurriedly from stately Wayne Manor. Me: the fellow giving instructions and money to the taxi driver. There was a spark and time stopped as I helped you into the cab. I know you felt it too. Let’s get to know each other better; you’ll see the advantage of a “gentleman’s gentleman.” Call Wayne Manor and ask for Alfred.

We make a good team

I was the guy with the flamingo shaped weapon, and you were the gorgeous wielder of the kiwi grenades as we helped the Penguin rob the Ornithological Society Ball. Working the crowd with you was like a seductive dance: sexual poetry. I wanted to ask you to dinner after we split the loot, but I was too chicken, and you ducked out. Let’s build a nest together. If you’re interested meet me at the Iceberg next Tuesday. I’ll have a feather in my cap.

AVENGERS FAQ – A List

With a roster that has boasted gods, time-lost champions, robots, mutants, and war heroes, The Avengers are a storied team having connections in every corner of the superhero community. On the other hand, it’s among the most unstable teams. Members come and go seemingly at their leisure. New members are constantly coming in to the mansion it is important to indoctrinate them into policy as soon as possible along with an orientation program, there is an online FAQ that new members can reference. Here are some of those questions and the corresponding answers.

Q: I’m a scientist; will I have access to laboratory facilities?

Provided you don’t mind sharing them with Hank Pym (and most people do) you are free to use all labs and scientific equipment. It should be noted that outside of poor interpersonal skills and a penchant for creating sentient death machines, Pym has personal grooming issues. You may wish to consider renting space at the Baxter Building instead.


Q: What smells like brine?

Prince Namor.  Don’t forget to bow.

Q: My alter ego is confined to a wheelchair, but I see no appropriate ramps, entrances, stalls, nor elevators in the mansion. How soon will you be accommodating my needs?

Thank you for your service to the Avengers. We regret to inform you that due to budgetary constraints, we simply cannot maintain the current member roster. You are expected to vacate the premises within 14 days of receipt of this notice.

Q: Thor’s passed out in my bed!  What do I do?
Don’t wake him!  Occasionally our resident Norseman over-imbibes while celebrating a victory and must perform the 36-48 hour Thorsleep. Also, DO NOT swap beds with him, as he sometimes finds his way back to his room.  Jarvis has guest beds available in just these circumstances, assuming Hawkeye does not have more than 8 overnight guests.

Q: An alternate future version of myself is staying in the mansion; should I take any precautions to avoid them?

This should have been covered in your introductory briefing. Refer to pages 347- 349 in your manual.

Q: Can I throw Cap’s shield some time?

 

The best answer is don’t get caught. Everyone has had a toss at it at least once. I recommend waiting until Mr. Barnes is in the shower.

Q: I found a wrapped fruit basket in my bathroom. Is this some sort of odd Avengers welcoming custom.

 

To begin, do not consume or even touch the basket. It’s classified as mystical hazardous material. While it is not an official ritual, most members have had the misfortune of finding such a fruit basket in or near their commode. It usually indicates that Thor has had to use your toilet in an emergency situation.

 

Q: What if I found this basket in the sink/ shower?

We will move your quarters immediately. You will have to report with your personal belongings to the Quantum Furnace in the sub-basement. All of those items will need to be destroyed.

Q: I accidentally sideswiped the space shuttle with a quinjet.  What happens next?
First, be sure to exchange insurance information.  Second, contact your Mutual of Asgard representative.  Third, don’t tell Iron Man. Those things are expensive.

Q: What happens if I get sick or injured?
Ironically, very few of the “Doctors” on staff hold medical degrees.  Because of our wildly irregular HMO, your best bet is to see your family practice doctor during regular business hours (specialists are not covered by our insurance) and pay the $75 deductible. Special consideration is given to herbal or holistic treatment, which has a $65 deductible. Under no circumstances should you visit an emergency room, as most work-related injuries caused by our line of work run afoul of OSHA and US Dept of Labor regulations and we’re already on their radar.

Q: Realistically, how many days will I be “working?” Should I have an actual job?
You are on call 24/7/365, but the average crisis takes about 13 hours from instigation to aftermath. There are exceptions that could have you gone as long as a week or two. It is encouraged that you find gainful employment outside of your work as an Avenger. Most of our members hold jobs elsewhere. We suggest you look into a position with a flexible work schedule, a job that has you out of the office frequently, or freelance work. Jobs such as: reporter, photographer, billionaire industrialist, supermodel, research scientist, private detective, or children’s book illustrator tend to work out well.

 

 

Q: What is the Avengers Courtesy Fund? Am I expected to pay into it?
The ACF is a fund paid into by those Avengers who wish to participate. Members pay $20 a year. It pays for birthday cakes/ celebratory doughnuts, plants at funerals of members or member families, get well cards, and the like. While it is strictly voluntary, all are strongly encouraged to participate. See the Hulk if you have questions or choose to opt out.

Q: Hank Pym slapped me, what’s my recourse?
Was Dr. Pym Ant-Man or Giant-Man at the time?  If Ant-Man, grab him by the head and pull off his legs.  Alternately, you may try to cook him with a magnifying glass.  If Giant-Man, first count yourself lucky to be alive.  Then see the mansion bulletin board for the next meeting of Women Against Slapping People (W.A.S.P.).  There is a strict hierarchy to be followed.  If Dr. Pym is standard size, just kick him in the boys.  Twice.

 

 

Q: What’s with all the dog hair and raw meat in the bathroom?
Mr. Logan must be staying with us.  Please notify the janitorial staff.  If he is still in the room, DO NOT attempt to take food from him.

Tonight’s LIST is brought to you by HoserCorp of America

When they’re not doing major motion pictures, sitcom guest appearances, or lines of coke, celebrities in our universe make a little extra money shilling for products of varying quality. Superheroes sometimes do the same. Think of the wonderful Hostess ads or the career of Booster Gold. Tonight’s list looks at which products some of our favorite heroes and villains endorse.

Super-endorsements!

When I need to dream up a clue to a crime, I dial my bed to 35 and hit the hay.

Wildcat, Ted Grant, for Fresh Step

Green Lantern for Zales Fine Jewelery

Wonder Woman for Amazon.com

Dr. Doom for Richard’s Cajun Sausage (RICHARDS!)

Aquaman for Red Lobster Seafood Restaurants

Beast and Wolverine for Brand X Shampoo

Kazar and Zabu for Tinder Vittles Cat Food

Captain America for Aquafresh Toothpaste

MODOK for Hair Club for Men and La-Z-Boy Chairs

Hydro Man for PÜR waterfilters

Tony Stark for Armor All

The Calculator for Microsoft

Hank Pym for Shrinky-Dinks