Personals: Missed Connections
Love was in the air this week, and Cupid’s arrows flew. Last year LEMUR presented Valentine’s Day personal ads from several newspapers around the DC and the Marvel Universes. This year, we take a look at those who are still paying for personal ads after Valentine’s Day. Specifically, this year we’re looking at those fateful missed connections.
You, 5’4″ leggy brunette female in yellow floral sundress (no panties) and hat on 5th Ave @ Rockerfeller Plaza. Me, 0.2″ male in red spandex with chrome helmet, riding an ant. Would much rather ride you all night long. Find me at Avengers’ Mansion. Ask for Goliath.
Sorry About That Lab Accident!
Me, 20-something graduate student with punctuality issues.
You, a co-ed caught in a radiation accident, which may or may not have
caused a hideous mutation.
Come on back. We can work it out.
Maybe you caught yourself on the front page of the Daily Planet this
morning? Superman was fighting The Parasite on Broadway and you were
in the crowd. You were also the reason Superman looked slightly
diffused, because my focus was on you. If you dig guys in bow ties,
call the Planet and ask for Jimmy.
It wasn’t all about the Benjamins!
You, 40 something Hugo Boss loan officer with an air of defiance. Me, a perfect Ten. Noticed you across the bank as the Royal Flush Gang made a substantial withdrawal from the Star City Savings and Loan. I was impressed that you didn’t soil yourself like the other guys. Would like to get to know you over coffee.
Let Kupid take A.I.M.
You were a temp doing clerical work for my “company” during the week of Jan. 10th. I was always too busy to chat, what with the running the place and doing giant-head-in-floating-chair-things. Still, I couldn’t help notice you and the way you filled out that yellow jumpsuit. Don’t be intimidated, I’m a Mental Organism Designed Only for Kommitment!
Hey, we were both on the B Line headed to the city when Doctor Octopus derailed the train. You were reading Anna Karenina through your cat-eye glasses, and I was wearing the pinstriped trouser and black vest. Our eyes met the moment before Spidey crashed through the windows. Am I wrong to think there was some chemistry? Call me: KL5-4796
DOOM saw you from his box at an Off-Broadway performance of The
Fountainhead and almost had you kidnapped. You appear to be of the
appropriate Eastern European descent and were wearing a lovely
sweater. You are interested in DOOM. Call 7|425-2737 or risk the
wrath of Latveria’s monarch.
If you had been on my home planet I wouldn’t have killed them all.
Just before I punched Superman through your building I saw you were
playing solitaire. I guess they declared your floor off-limits cause
I haven’t seen you there for the last 3 weeks (I been flying outside
waiting). If you’re cool with space dolphins and don’t freak out if
my dog watches while we do it. Email me and we can play solitaire
I’ll fix the mess he made of your life
You: Disheveled crying red-head leaving hurriedly from stately Wayne Manor. Me: the fellow giving instructions and money to the taxi driver. There was a spark and time stopped as I helped you into the cab. I know you felt it too. Let’s get to know each other better; you’ll see the advantage of a “gentleman’s gentleman.” Call Wayne Manor and ask for Alfred.
We make a good team
I was the guy with the flamingo shaped weapon, and you were the gorgeous wielder of the kiwi grenades as we helped the Penguin rob the Ornithological Society Ball. Working the crowd with you was like a seductive dance: sexual poetry. I wanted to ask you to dinner after we split the loot, but I was too chicken, and you ducked out. Let’s build a nest together. If you’re interested meet me at the Iceberg next Tuesday. I’ll have a feather in my cap.
The return recurring of reviews is a nice change of pace from the last 6 months of sporadic problems. Here’s what’s new and most everything is pretty good.
I don’t often talk about Doom Patrol. It’s one of those books that I read because it’s good enough to keep getting, but not great enough comment on in the reviews. Issues 14 and 15 have changed that. After the “war” with New Krypton, everyone’s second favorite manipulative handicapable genius acquired a deceased Kryptonian to experiment on. The results are interesting… There’s also a series of good character moments with the team as they confront each other in a way the X-Men haven’t gotten since Kitty’s exclaiming the jerkitude of Professor X. Giffen is doing a yeoman’s job of bringing these characters to interesting places now that he’s done recycling Morrison’s ideas. Clark and Randall are doing a stellar job with art chores, vaguely reminiscent of Jim Lee. 14 is a good jumping on point if you’ve ever been curious about the team or the book called Doom Patrol.
One of the greatest joys of this week was Beland’s inspired sequel to Fantastic Four: Isla De Le Muerte. Fantastic Four: ¡Ataque Del M.O.D.O.K.! is a thoroughly entertaining tale featuring Reed and Sue on vacation in Puerto Rico. While there, Reed stumbles into a mystery (not unlike a certain Elongated Man), while Sue momentarily bemoans the loss of a perfectly good vacation (not unlike a certain other Sue). We meet a Puerto Rican superhero, there’s the usual team-up business (which thankfully is disposed of in a brisk shorthand), MODOK shows up, and hilarity ensues. Reed and Sue interplay so well here that the dialogue of the A.I.M. hench-simians is only the second best thing about this book. It’s easy to forget that this is a couple in love with each other and still attracted to each other. Beland reminds us with simple and true exchanges between the two. It is not a complaint by any stretch here, but some readers may object to the fact that Reed and Sue do come off too much like Ralph and Sue in this book. I love it though.
In addition to the story and the phenomenal dialogue, Juan Doe’s art stands out. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s something pleasantly retro about Doe’s style. The best I can come up with is a cross of 1939 New York World’s Fair and early 60’s add for American Airlines with it’s angles and simplicity of line. There’s an elegant and well done flashback/ origin story too. Definitely worth picking up.
Hickman’s S.H.I.E.L.D. #4 was stellar too. My only complaint is the standard one I have with Hickman. He likes to leave too much in the gutters. Sometimes it works, sometimes I’m left scratching my head. This time it worked okay. I really appreciated the confrontation between Da Vinci and Newton; that he didn’t turn it into a brawl or a pissing contest says a lot to me about how different a story Hickman wants this to be. Throw in everyone’s favorite french quatrain spouting prophet and it’s good time city.
In the “don’t be a baby, buy this book” column is Chaos War #1. Coming off the heels of Amadeus Cho’s last adventure to save Hercules, and pulling in things from as far back as the beginning of Incredible Hercules, this book is worthy of the $3.99 cover and the lable “Extra-sized event kick-off issue!” That the book is thicker with good material, makes me long for days gone by. While the story is standard Part One of X Extinction Level Event fare, Pak and Van Lente make it entertaining and original…but damned if I know how they did it. The back up story was fantastic too. And don’t worry, there are plenty of onomatopoeic abuses happening. I see a post devoted to them sometime Sunday. Seriously, this is an outstanding book for it’s price. You won’t be sorry that you left the store with it in your bag.
I got several other books too, but nothing really new to report on titles like Secret Six, X-Men Forever 2, The Boys, or GI Joe.
When they’re not doing major motion pictures, sitcom guest appearances, or lines of coke, celebrities in our universe make a little extra money shilling for products of varying quality. Superheroes sometimes do the same. Think of the wonderful Hostess ads or the career of Booster Gold. Tonight’s list looks at which products some of our favorite heroes and villains endorse.