The cold metal hands,
Gently craddle the scared child,
His great fuel pump warms.
In Blackest Night, Geoff Johns pulled a giant deus ex machina out of his hat when he revealed that each “New Guardian’s” ring can create one additional ring. I’m sure Johns picked DCU characters he thought would be cool and fit the story, but what if he wasn’t limited to the DCU? What if any cartoon or comic book character was available to him? I imagine if that was the case we’d see a much, much different alliance. One that would look something like this.
Hulk – The Hulk is all about rage: the madder he gets, the stronger he gets. There’s even a red one out there running around these days, busting things up and acting like a jerk. Just picture him constantly vomiting up blood and you’re already there.
Runner Up: Yosemite Sam
Ash Ketchum – Ash is the greedy little kid determined to capture one of every animal (excuse me, pokemon) in the world, to the detrimtent of every relationship he’s ever been in. That describes avarice much better than a mad scientist who wants to rule the world because Superman made him lose his hair when he was a boy.
Runner Up: Bender
Gargamel – The Scarecrow is a terrific if obvious choice for the yellow ring. Much like Parallax is the only thing to scare Green Lanterns, there’s only one thing Smurfs fear, and that’s Gargamel. He takes delight in capturing them, either to eat them or turn them into gold. That’s fairly scary if you’re Belgian.
Runner Up: Starscream
Hank Hill – Have you ever met one of those people who seem like they can do anything by sheer force of will? Hank Hill is that guy. Slap a ring on him and as long as you assure him it’s a military weapon and not hippie jewelry or an improv prop he’ll get the job done.
Runner Up: Panthro
Superman – Of all the characters Johns had to play with, I can’t believe he didn’t go for the obvious choice to represent Hope: Superman. If Barack Obama had a cape, superpowers, had saved the world hundreds of times )and the universe dozens), then MAYBE he could sit in on a lecture Superman gave on how to give people hope. Superman could be caught with a live boy AND a dead girl and people wouldn’t lose hope. He’s like Michael Jackson and R. Kelly wrapped up in a cape and with heat vision, that’s how much people believe in him.
Runner Up: Charlie Brown
Optimus Prime – Optimus Prime’s only weakness is his compassion for all living creatures. Being part of the Indigo Tribe would allow him to turn that into his greatest strength. Of course, a giant metal robot covered with tribal tattoos and holding a tiny stick wouldn’t be very imposing, but it would be compassionate.
Runner Up: She-Ra
Tenderheart Bear – Wikipedia says “Tenderheart Bear helps everyone show and express their feelings and helps his fellow Care Bears be the most caring they can be. In the 1980s movies and cartoons he was the leader of the Care Bears. He is orange (originally brown) and his tummy symbol is a big red heart with a pink outline.” That sounds about right. What do I know about Care Bears?
Runner Up: Hello Kitty
Those are my thoughts. Did I get someone right? Or very, very wrong? Hit us up in the comments sections.
Once upon a time I was picking up my weekly issues, and I found one of the most fantastic books I’ll ever encounter. Hanging on the wall among bland and uninteresting books was a shining vision. It was an inspired piece of art that surely made the angels weep bittersweet tears. Like all such works, this one’s time on Earth was too brief.
Those brave enough to penetrate its covers are regaled with tales of an everyman doing extraordinary deeds. This modern day Ishmael fought foul felonious forces with nothing more than his bare hands, a metal plate in his skull that picks up CB signals, and a high tech Mack truck. These adventures are so inspired that they clearly must have been writ and drawn with a golden pen using diamond and sunshine ink.
Tonight, we are graced with the presence of a demigod. Ulysses. Solomon. Archer.
Let’s start with the five questions.
1. Who would play you in a movie of your life?
I reckon that’d be a young Mr. Burt Reynolds. I’ve always felt a special connection to his character from the movie Stroker Ace. I tried to grow a mustache once…didn’t work so well. I’d be proud to have a true American like him portray me in a movie.
2. Who wins in a race between you in US 1 and Optimus Prime.
Hands down me an US1. It comes down to one thing: he’s got weaknesses, and I don’t. Prime cares about all sentient life; I couldn’t give a hoot. He’s also got the hots for lil’ US1. Still, if he ever comes near her again and tries to get frisky like he did outside of Yuma, I’ll shove my boot so far up his tail pipe that he’ll need more than a little energon and a lot of luck to get it out.
3. What, if anything, makes Ulysses Archer cry?
Hell, I get a little teary anytime I see “Every Which Way but Loose.” Something about a trucker and an orangutan speaks to me on a deep emotional level. Also the songs of Glen Campbell…and anytime someone gets too close with a big magnet. I get headaches like you wouldn’t believe.
4. What other career would you like to try?
After facing off against Baron von Blimp, I’ve always wanted to pilot a dirigible. The freedom of the road is one thing, having the whole of the sky is something else. I like to think we could have been friends or colleagues in another lifetime.
5. What would you like to hear when you get to Heaven?
That ain’t much of a question. With this-a-here metal plate for a skull, I hear God’s Heaven all the time. Angels speak to me. They call me good buddy and everything.
Ah…well, thank you for your time. It has been a pleasure talking with an inspired genius such as yourself.
Again, my guest has been the all-American trucker/ adventurer Ulysses Solomon Archer. You can read all about his exploits in the brilliant twelve issue series: US1.
I wrestled with whether or not to share this bit of information with you for all of ummmm… 5 seconds. Misery loves company, and I was/ am miserable. May God have mercy on me for what I am about to do.
I appreciate that it might be exciting to include role play in your dalliances. I understand that with comic book collectors role playing might involve characters from various books or movies. This can’t be good for business.
For me, the only things aroused were confusion and horror… not the good kind of confusion either.
Guys, this lack of comics has made me a little loopy. The effect being that this post promises to be more than a little odd. It’ll probably only be amusing to me. Sorry in advance.
Coupled with listening to TMBG and thinking about Star Trek‘s “Mirror Mirror” and that episode of Southpark, I give you: If they had and evil twin!
I could do this all night, but I’ll stop after this last one.