Worst. Origin. Ever.

Last son of a dying planet, rocketed to Earth by his parents.  Bitten by a radioactive spider.  Young boy sees his parents murdered and swears vengeance on crime.  Now those are good origin stories. Unfortunately, not everyone gets an iconic (or useful) origin.  For this week’s LIST we present:

Worst Origin Stories!

  • A child soccer star, neglected by an uncaring public, now tries to get the sport appreciated in America

  • Shipwrecked on Staten Island, billionaire playboy must learn to fend for himself. After being rescued he uses his new found skills to combat crime

  • A former criminal undergoes experimental surgery to give him complete mastery of the pan flute, with all of the rights and responsibilities that entails

  • Born into a family of expert CPA’s, young boy is determined to balance the books

  • An 1100-pound paraplegic employs a wide variety of disguises to fight crime

  • Abducted by aliens, Huey Lewis and the News are given “The Power of Love.”

  • Raised by humans as one of their own, Danny the boy-wolf seeks to avenge the murder of his family

  • Plainclothes police detective honors his father’s dying wish by patrolling the city streets at night disguised as The Beat Cop

  • An irradiated rabbit’s foot mutates and gains sentience, becoming The Lucky Charm

  • Cat burglar Felix Tabby is given green skin after stealing from cheap jewelery kiosk in dirt mall

  • In the distant future Chet-Darr discovers he can turn into any type of cheese

  • College graduate uses English Degree to commit crimes based the plots of obscure Victorian novels.

  • A worker falls victim to a horrible carbonating accident and becomes The Human Burp

  • High school quarter back buys powers from man selling super powers in strip mall

Normally we try to be pretty judicious about which LIST items that make the cut, but this week there were too many excellent contenders, so be sure to check back next Tuesday for The LIST, Part II: The Search for More Lunacy.  Believe it or not, Part 2 is even more verbose.

Atom…SECRETS!

The reason I travelled the multiverse was to find that A-hole, Hank Pym. Nobody ganks MY styz-ile!

SECRETS…

People always ask why I keep coming back to Jean. It's like my old man always said, "If you find a woman who can cook, you hold on to her like grim death. Even if she kills your best friend's wife and partially burns the body to hide the evidence."

SECRETS…

A couple of years ago, I got slapped with a lawsuit for asking a female lab assistant if she'd take a look at my white dwarf star.

SECRETS…

I hang around and on Hawkman because he smells like Granny Smith apples...naturally.

SECRETS…

I've been living at Toys 'R Us for the last four years. A Barbie Dream House isn't so bad when it's rent free.

SECRETS!


Dream Team

The time has come once again to walk down the hall of mighthavebeen and look out of the window to the fields of neverwill with this installment of Dream Team.

This go round, we’re not looking at a title so much as a super team within a title. This one is going to read more like a fantasy football roster.

It’s a little known fact that I enjoy Marvel’s Defenders. The premise appeals to me more than the line-up: a group of heroes who don’t really like eachother or know each other that well get together infrequently to stop extinction level events.

Sure, this is how most teams start out. The beauty is that the Defenders never go on to gel as a team. There’s no headquarters, no signal, no symbol, no table that everyone sits around…nothing. It’s the team your dad would put together if he needed help working in the yard one weekend. Anyone helping out is there because they didn’t have anything better to do. And so help me, I love ’em for it.

So who do I put on this farm team for the Avengers? While the “membership” grew over time, I’m going to contain myself to the original format of only four members.

1. The Punisher. To say that Frank Castle is not a team player is like saying that Chris Claremont is a little wordy, but that’s the general idea of The Defenders. From a story telling point of view, I like the idea of the Punisher on the team because he’d add a twisted fish out of water spin. He’s also really good at improvising in a pinch. So what that he relies on guns and explosives? You’re facing the Punisher and he just ran out of ammo? Don’t stop to gloat. Sure as anything his next move is to fuck your shit up with whatever is at hand…even if it’s your hand.

2. Hank Pym. How this loser is still an Avenger is beyond me. He shrinks; he grows; he whines; he creates robots bent on killing him and his friends, and yet he’s been on practically every roster of the team. Being this much of a gomer is automatic nomination to Defenders for me. Besides, every team needs a science guy.

3. Namor. He helped get the ball rolling with the original team. Why is he a Defender? Being an Avenger is too much drama; Reed won’t let him near the FF; and Atlantis pretty much runs itself. I’d like to see him teamed with Pym. Imagine the boundless insults and slurs. It doesn’t hurt that he’s got his own army and is really strong.

4. Rounding out the roster is Valkyrie. She’s got history with the team. She’s got a great costume, a sword, and a winged horse. A WINGED HORSE.

That’s my Defenders team. The book I read when I dream at night. Enjoy comics tomorrow.