Human Torch — Secrets!!!

People always ask, but really it’s the one part that NEVER catches fire.

Secrets!

Ben always tries to put my hand in warm water when I’m asleep, but that never works. Except when it does.

Secrets!

I spent my twenties partying with Milk and Cheese and fighting the establishment. Then I spent my thirties chillin’ with Bob Dylan and relaxin’ like Michael Jackson.

Secrets!

I think it’s great they got Captain America to play me in the movie. I KINDA wish they had gotten Thor, though.

Secrets!

Most days I feel too old for the superhero gig. But if I don’t get with the Atlantean, or Inhuman, or Kree, or Skrull hotties, who will?

SECRETS!!!

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ULTRON… SECRETS!

Mrs. Ultron, Millicent, has the unique ability to leave me hot and cold.

secret…

Look even if he weren’t my father, I’d still want to kill Hank Pym…

Secret…

I don’t usually endorse political candidates, but RB-34 get’s my vote in the Texas 18th this November.

Secret…

Menacing the Avengers is more of a side hobby. My main line of work is with a touring company of Godspell.

SECRET…

Because comics are a print medium, most people don’t realize I have a voice like Bing Crosby.

SECRETS!

Jonah Hex — Secrets!

Mah horse’s name is Bullet. After yer mama.

Secrets!

Yew wanna know how I got th’ scars? Th’ real story is at davidicke.com.

Secrets!

If that sumbitch Chris Claremont tries to dialogue me again ah’ll
murder every Guthrie from Kentucky to Westchester County.

Secrets!

Ah really did mount Mr. Gatling’s gun to mah horse but it didn’t shoot bullets, it shot syphilis.

Secrets!

The hat was from mah mama, who won it off Col. J.E.B. Stuart in a card game.

SECRETS!!!

Red Robin — Secrets!

I guess my favorite villain was King Snake. They say you never forget your first.

Secrets!

Just in case anyone’s interested, D&D Friday night at Monty’s. BYO Mountain Dew and Cheetos.

Secrets!

You find some crazy shit in The Cave. Like all of Harold’s Jessica Fletcher fanfic.

Secrets!

The Electrocutioner tried to break Steph and I up for a while, so I posted his secret identity on Wikipedia.

Secrets!

The worst thing about the Teen Titans? The enforced sobriety. You really think I’m gonna go punch out The Riddler sober?

SECRETS!!!

Bane — Secrets!

I wasn’t trying to snap The Bat’s spine, just stretch him out a
little. He’s way too tense.

Secrets!

Shouldn’t Venom and I have been the villains in the
Spider-Man/Batman crossover?

Secrets!

The twist ending of the new movie? We never find out if the top
stops spinning.

Secrets!

The only Capital in this Bane is ‘B’!

Secrets!

Hey Rush Limbaugh, why didn’t you invite me on your show 20 years
ago when I first came out???

SECRETS!!!

Lizard Secrets!

People always want to know how I go to the bathroom with this tail. Why isn’t anyone asking about the convenience of having a cloaca?

secret…

Some people have two left feet. I have two left arms. Should have been more careful with the genetics.

Secret…

I don’t trust myself with women. I give myself too quickly and too freely. It always ends badly.

Secret…

When someone in the Sinister Six does or says something stupid and awkward, we call it, “pulling an Otto.”

SECRET…

The worst part of losing my arm and becoming a lizard-man is that I can no longer perform slight-of-hand tricks.

SECRETS!

Uncle Sam — Secrets!

No, I’m NOT really your uncle. It’s a metaphor.

Secrets!

You know what phrase I don’t really care for? “Ratzi.” Being a Nazi is a bad enough insult.

Secrets!

Don’t tell “Aunt Samantha,” but that Ma Hunkel sure can bake a pie, if you know what I mean.

Secrets!

Call me crazy, but I love old-school hip-hop. It speaks to the streets from whence I came.

Secrets!

This time tomorrow, everyone will have forgotten about me…until next year. Well, except J.P. Sousa. That guy keeps me in his heart like I don’t know what.

SECRETS!!!